PWP 166: Iyaz’s ‘Hannah Montana’ notes

We present to you the raw and unedited version of Iyaz’s notes as he watched “Hannah Montana: The Movie.”

  • The movie is having trouble loading: this is a good sign.
  • Fix a network switch and it’s on. Let’s do this
  • We open at an areana parking lot and then we get Billy Ray Cyrus staring disappprovingly
    • girls are flocking to the arena and box office
    • Miley Stewart wants to get in  — she’s on the list. Her friend tells her she’s the only pop star who can’t get into her own concert.
    • So Miley steals a golf cart to break into the venue while being chased by an inept security guard
    • Miley starts her process into becoming Hannah
    • Iyaz starts his process of deciding what to drink
    • Hannah sings a song and this is Eric’s fault.
      • the song tells her story of having a double life
  • now we’re at a music video shoot instead
    • a sneaky person is in Hannah’s cabana thing — his name is Oswald Granger. He’s actually a Brit tabloid guy
    • Oswald leaves his Nikon Coolpix camera behind obviously recording
    • Vita (Vanessa Williams) is her agent/protector
    • Oswald sneaks back in and gets his camera back after they leave. He finds out Hannah has a secret.
  • To school where Miley is hit by a volleyball. She’s going to replace Beyonce at a NY event. She has to ditch her friend’s birthday party — i wonder if Hannah will get a big head and forget about her friend, but learn the value of friendship by the end of the movie.
    • HM is on a shopping trip (Lilly must be her friend’s name. Now HM is fighting Tyra Banks over shoes. Banks obtains both shoes, but HM jumps her. Oswald is talking pictures during this event. We see HM missing calls from her dad and Lilly on an LG phone
    • HM leaves the shopping trip to go to Lilly’s party. Apparently the party is at a beach-front amusement park (it’s Lilly’s sweet 16)
    • Checked email: 14:08 in
    • HM shows up to Lilly’s birthday and steals all of Lilly’s thunder. Lilly is sad that her whole party is paying attention to HM and not her. The group carries HM to a stage chanting “Sing.” Then they chant “Crazy” (apparently one of her songs.) She obliges and starts singing. The band knows the song, too (the band was on the stage before HM got there — so that’s a happy coincidence)
    • Lilly skulks away, but HM shouts “Lilly, we have cake”
    • Cake shennagins: the cake blew up
  • after the party
    • Tyra vs. HM is on the cover of USA today and a magazine
    • HM’s dad says she’s not going to NY b/c they have to go to Grandma Ruby’s something or other (birthday)
    • HM says she’s going to NY
    • BRC gives up quickly, Vita will set up a jet
    • We’re in the jet, BRC is making some passive aggressive comments about Vita
    • the plane didn’t go to NYC — it went to … Tennessee. BRC just fucked his own daughter.
  • Tennessee
    • BRC is saying that HM should be done and he’s taking HM away from Miley. She demands he stops the truck, grabs her gear and starts walking away.
    • Miley says “Hannah means everything to me.”
    • BRC wants Miley to take a break from HM for two weeks. HOw exactly does this work? Why does she really need permission to be HM? Does BRC own the IP?
    • Miley strips off her Hannah gear and chills with her horse, bluejeans. She tries to ride bareback, but it didn’t exactly work. Then a cowboy shows up to wrangle blue jeans. 
    • Cowboy is not played by Tony Danza — it’s Havoc from X-Men, i think. Travis Brody is the cowboy’s name.
    • Apparently he hung Miley headfirst down a well. He explained he had a crush on her, but that’s gone. Tennesse is a fucked up place.
    • Travis is talking shit about California — and I’m okay with that since the Miley character lives in SoCal.
    • Travis brings Miley to her grandmother’s house and now it’s more singing. A big group sits together in the living room singing — Country music. My favorite and this is Eric’s fault
    • Miley kills the fun b/c she’s pissed at Dad.
    • Grandma missed Miley and Miley got Grandma an Elvis plate for her birthday
    • BRC is a really, really shitty dad. He’s very mean to Miley — generally bosses her around menacingly
    • Grandma tries to set up BRC with Melora Hardin (aka that lady from “The Office” or  “Hey, didn’t she play Monk’s wife on the hit TV show starring Tony Shaloub, Monk?”)
    • BRC comically falls, breaks all kinds of things. He saves the Elvis plate for a minute. Raises the plate up in triumph — but it smashes on a big light fixture.
    • Miley looks at a picture of Brooke Shields and some girl with a bunny. The picture comes to life — it’s one of those Harry Potter pictures or an iPhone living photo
    • Grandma makes Miley feel bad b/c everyone misses their Miley — Jesus, just let her be herself, assholes.
  • The next day — still in TN
    • horse back riding and … a rooster crows. Then Travis screams to wake up Miley. She wakes up and says “Commence Operation Save Hannah Montana.”
    • Miley comes down dressed like a farm girl in overalls and says she’s going to get some eggs.
    • Comically (or in an attempt to be comical), Miley has trouble getting eggs. Then she starts singing and dancing — another fucking song. AND THIS IS ERIC’S FAULT.
    • Grandma and BRC didn’t wait for Miley and made breakfast (BRC is “Robby Ray”)
    • the foreman is MELORA HARDIN (and yes, I was typing that before it happened). (her character is “Lorelei”)
  • Now we’re at a zoo of some kind
    • an aligator bites a guide and it’s FUNNY? terrifying, i’d think. That kid is now dead.
  • Now we’re out of the zoo. Okay…
    • Grandma explains to Miley that developers want to develop the land witha  mall. THose evil bastartds — trying to … build… things…  (Crowley meadows mall)
    • Grandma is giving Miley shit b/c she’s HM at home — what a bitch
    • You can’t be happy for Miley? You have to give her this much shit b/c she doesn’t appreciate Tennessee? WHO THE FUCK WOULD DO THAT?
    • Miley is working at a farmer’s market and giving away samples of watermellons
    • Miley spots Oswald at the market — she comically switches two salsas that Oswald was trying — hot for mild and now …
    • then Miley opens up a truck full of wallnuts, which Oswald slips on and then falls into Crowley’s model of his future development
    • There is a mean spirit to this movie
    • Oswald is sent to find the Montanas and is nearly killed by following Grandma’s directions
      • ah – a bit of cleverness — Oswald fell in the mud and his boss is in a mud bath.
    • 42:27 — seriously considering quitting this movie
    • Boss “Ozzy, I want the dirt.” He says “Trust me, I’m all over it” (while covered in mud) — seems like a Strickland joke. Did Jonathan write this?
  • Back at Grandma’s farm Miley is playing guitar in a barn. Travis finds her and compliments her on her voice.
    • He’s not acting super-impressed with her and it’s driving her wild.
    • How many movies am I going to have to watch with anti-city bias?
    • Time for Travis to show Miley a good time — more music, adventures of country things — like rebuilding a chicken coop.
    • Now there’s a benefit to save Crowley Meadows  from the developers
      • BRC is singing about Tennessee bc… THIS FUCKING MOVIE “ROBBY RAY STEWART.”
      • He and Melora embrace
    • and is that Taylor Swift? Yes, so says the captions.
    • Miley tells her dad to bone Melora
    • Travis asks Miley to dance — Miley pulls out a serrated hunting knife and guts Travis right there.
    • Melora and BRC talk outside and we got back to Miley and Travis dancing
      • the Swift song “Crazier” sounds like a wedding song
    • BRC dance-bones Melora Hardin outside
    • Travis gets Miley to sing by dragging her on stage. She obliges b/c that’s what she does. She says she’s going to add “hip hop to this hoedown”
      • more fucking songs. she tries to get the people of Tennessee to do the bartman or the urkel or some other dance.
      • enter Oswald to the benefit THERE IS NEARLY 50 MINUTES LEFT TO THIS? YEAH…
      • “do the hoe down” she says over and over. don’t forget to “stick it.” and “glide.”
    • Grandma yells at the developer and says he doesn’t understand community. Developer is Brian Bostwick (is that right? the mayor from Spin City)
      • Brian says you won’t raise the money for this — even if you had the Beatles
      • Travis says Miley knows HM, which would raise a ton of money. Miley says “I guess I can give her a call”
  • HM in Tennessee — HM meets Miley at her grandmother’s house with Vita
    • Vita doesn’t fit in
    • Lilly was the HM stunt double in case you were wondering if it was Tyra Banks
    • Lilly apologizes about talking to Oswald
    • Melora wants to talk to HM and Miley
    • Melora asks BRC out on a date to the mayor’s shindig
    • HM to meet Travis — Miley in a wig… will that fool Travis? Travis asks if HM thinks Miley will go out with him. Travis says he’ll ask Miley out right now — he starts going to the house. I was really hoping Travis was just going to ask Miley Montana just then.
    • Okay — another moment of actual comedy — Miley trying to play it cool when Travis asked her out. Now Miley Montana is double booked — the mayor’s dinner and Travis. She goes to the mayor’s shindig.
    • Miley is going to try to pull off the Peter Brady and be in two places at once
    • Miley has to sneak to get to the Mayor’s thing – her young fan watches from the outside and surely she’ll put it together. She returns to a lobster dinner and to this day I’ve never taken apart a lobster b/c I find it creepy and strange.
    • Miley shows up at her date with Travis with the lobster bib on
    • Travis gets the check. BRC calls for HM to stay at the mayor’s dinner. The mayor is then attacked by a ferret that crawls up the mayor’s pant leg leading to “comedy.” The flammable dessert starts a mnor fire. BRC puts out the fire with an extinguisher. Two people behind the dessert have their wigs blown off (a guy and a woman)..
    • The young fan sees HM transforming into Miley in a revolving door. The fan then goes to Oswald and sells the story. Travis is also in the revolving door and sees the wig. Travis gets disgusted that Miley has scalped another person.
    • Travis feels like he’s been made a fool of — he quits Miley Montana
    • If only Miley had seen the episode of The Brady Bunch — let’s note that Miley could have had her date with Travis at LUNCH and still gone to the dinner later
    • Melora finds BRC and BRC yells at her
    •  “NOT NOW. FAMILY THINGS.” Melora doesn’t want to deal with someone who has secrets. BRC says he doesn’t have a place for a relationship — Miley starts crying b/c she’s being blamed for BRC’s lack of relationship.
  • 25 minutes to go
    • Miley and BRC sit together while Miley sings another fucking song. The song sounds like a Fleetwood Mac song that I also dislike
      • OMFG. THIS MOVIE WILL NEVER END.
    • The next day, Lilly finds Miley atop of the chicken coop that is freshly painted
      • how much money do they need to raise anyway? It was on a cow sign — couldn’t Miley just donate that money and move this shit along?
    • Grandma gets on HM’s tour bus — and she’s praising Miley for doing a good thing. FUCK YOU, GRANDMA
    • Travis sees the coop and is impressed. Then hears people chanting “Hannah”
    • MORE SINGING.
      • HM says “she can’t do this” and the song stops.
      • THE END. Please? No? FUCK. It keeps going.
      • HM sounds insane as she explains this is home, this is family… then she finally tells people she’s Miley. She pulls off her wig and reveals she was Iron Man this whole time. She then sits down and has a cheeseburger.
      • Now Miley will sing a song — “The Climb” (so says the caption)
        • can’t tell if i actually know this song or if the melody is familiar  — nope. i actually know THIS song.
      • HOW IS THERE 13 MINUTES LEFT?
    • WAIT — there’s a kid playing along to the song and she’s staring at sheet music as she plays the violin. I thought this song was a Miley song, not Hannah Montana. Shouldn’t she NOT have music for this? WHAT KIND OF REALITY IS THIS?
    • THE MOVIE THEN CONTINUED FOREVER. THE SUN BURNED OUT, HUMANITY DIED… BUT THE MOVIE CONTINUED ON.
    • The young fan says “Please be Hannah. We’ll keep your secret.” So everyone in attendance is behind her ruse. They chant “Hannah.” Miley falls for it and then sees Oswald snap a picture — everyone tries to convince Oswald not to send the picture. Oswald’s daughters show up … Oswald has a change of heart and quits his job over the phone
      • Vita gets through to oswald by saying “you’re not going ot destroy their dreams are you? because that’s what Hannah is all about.”
        • HOW DOES THAT WORK? If the girls find out Hannah Montana has another name and wears a wig? What is she all about? WHAT?
        • ** Note: I rewound the endless movie to get the quote
    • Travis runs up and admits he’s not over his crush on Miley. Then Miley changes her clothes into a smart suit and does a number as HM. This has to be the ending right?
      • then their smart suits turn into country clothes
      • BRC finds Melora Hardin —
      • ah, the amount of money they needed to raise was $500,000 — Miley could have probably bought Crowley Medows on her own and make revenue over a long time as a landlord.
    • The camera is pulling away..
    • IT SAYS THE END.
    • Then… bloopers? No — people doin gthe hoedown dance, whichi is mildly amusing. Although Melora Hardin is either funny or has my sense of rhythm.

PWP 160: Jonathan’s ‘Honey’ notes

This episode of “Podcast Without Pretense” will be available at GFQNetwork.com

 

I could have watched this without distractions for longer but my wife interrupted me to ask me something so I stopped. I wasn’t enjoying the movie, but I had not yet felt compelled to call it quits.

 

Anyway, notes: Jessica Alba is Honey, a name we hear a million goddamn times in the first 13 minutes (and yet I’d forget it was her name and I just thought everyone was calling her a term of endearment). Honey has a best friend named Gina who seems to only exist to provide exposition and to keep saying how awesome Honey is. In other words, this character has no character to her. If you were to ascribe character to her, you’d assume she’s planning on mooching off Honey’s success once she becomes a huge, famous dancing sensation (this is backed up by the fact that she’s currently mooching off Honey in order to get into a club and get drinks for free).

 

Honey likes to dance in the club she works at but there’s a professional dancer named Katrina who has major attitude for no apparent reason other than movies need conflict. I guess Katrina feels all the attention should be on her and that any attention Honey gets is unmerited.

 

Honey is a Good Girl. Her Daddy loves her, her Mommy worries about her and wishes she’d pursue ballet, where she could really make a name for herself rather than teaching hip-hop at the local community center and audition for music videos (Honey’s dream is to dance in a music video). Never mind that the world of ballet is insanely competitive, probably more so than the music video world. We see Honey return some money to a guy who dropped it, thus illustrating her honest, pure nature.

 

Honey, on top of working as a bartender at a club and a hip-hop teacher, also works at a record store. Oh, forgot this part, at the club, a creepy dude is video taping dancers. Turns out he’s scouting for Michael Ellis, a music video director. Michael approaches Honey to dance in his videos, but of course goes about it in a way that makes him seem like he’s a creep trying to get some booty, as Honey puts it. This is quickly resolved so that we don’t have conflict go on for too long in this movie.

 

Most of this movie consists of dance sequences that, frankly, aren’t that impressive. The breakdancing kid who thinks he’s the shit is a particularly crappy dancer, at least in the beginning. Speaking of the breakdancing kids, they must be into shady shit. Oh yeah, they’re dealing. Shitty dancer kid sees lots of money.

 

Meanwhile, Honey gets a call from Michael and she’s hired to dance for a video in another day or so, so she shows up and then gets greased up for dancin’. The director wants Honey to dance as if she’s in a club, not doing the choreography, which immediately pisses off the choreographer. I get it. So this movie is all about Honey pissing off people who make their living dancing because her natural abilities overshadow them. This is Amadeus, only with hip hop music and a shit ton of pissed off Salieris.

 

This movie also seems to be a commercial for various hip hop artists.

 

Now Honey, Gina, and two nameless ladies are at a restaurant with flies in it. And they’re talking about spending Honey’s money. And then a basketball player guy from the community center comes into the restaurant. Then the music video with Honey comes on simultaneously throughout New York. And Honey uses shitty breakdancer’s move of brushing off his shoulder. He invented that move. No one ever did it before him. Never mind that the move Honey actually referenced in the scene they had earlier was a roll the dice move.

 

Now Honey is dancing in another music video. I will say this, Alba is in crazy good shape. I still think the dancing itself is pretty pedestrian and boring. But she looks good doing it.

 

Honey gets her first check and it’s for just under 10 grand. Man, I remember when I thought 10 grand was a lot of money. That would be now.

 

Hey! Monica Lewinsky reference! Topical!

 

Gina lays down some truth, telling Honey that Michael plans on trying to hook up with her. And then we go to a gay club that’s the most stereotypical gay club ever, complete with drag show and vogueing.

 

Ginuwine shows up and apparently the gay club has a VIP straight area. Michael wants Honey to choreograph future videos. BUT AT WHAT COST????

 

Oh hey, basketball guy is a barber. Shitty breakdancer’s little brother is in to get a haircut. And you know what? This scene is actually okay. Mostly because the little kid is adorable and funny. And then we get into the scene where basketball player is trying to ask out Honey on a date and it all kinda goes downhill. Oh, and basketball player is Chaz. I’m sure they said that earlier and I didn’t hear it.

 

Shitty breakdancing kid’s little brother is neglected. Ah, so shitty breakdancing kid has a real shitty family. Like, ridiculously shitty. So now we also see that Honey is a good person and good people are continuously shit upon, but will that get our Honey down? I bet it won’t, gosh darn it.

 

Honey’s at the shoot and is having a crisis as she realizes her video is missing something. She watches a game of street basketball. Looks like there’s inspiration at work here. Oh, now she’s watching kids do double dutch and is coming up with more moves. This is just like Bring it On, only Honey doesn’t steal from the black school across town — she steals from kids in the neighborhood.

 

Do all these songs have the word ‘honey” in them, or am I mishearing them?

 

Wow, Gina is a total bitch, waking up the lady who is earning all the money. And then Gina disses Honey. Wow. Everyone in this movie, with the exception of Honey and shitty breakdancing kid’s little brother, is a total asshole.

 

Now Honey is looking for shitty breakdancing kid because his mom’s boyfriend hit him. And we go from a perfectly nice day to pouring down rain, and from day to night. So. . . that’s weird. Guess they were looking for a long time.

 

Shitty breakdancing kid is upset that Honey is never around. She abandoned him, just like everyone else. Never mind that she tried to include him at the beginning of the movie and he only got interested in her when she showed up in a music video. Man, this movie is dumb.

 

She brings the two kids to her next video shoot, which features dancers in gear resembling S&M outfits. Perfect entry point for the kids.

 

She convinces Michael to pitch Ginuwine a video in which kids are all dressed up and dancing like Ginuwine. And she tells her dance students. And they are excited. And then shitty breakdancing kid’s older brother shows up and threatens Honey because shitty breakdancing kid is part of big brother’s drug selling crew. Chaz to the rescue.

 

Now Chaz and Honey are going out, I guess. Chaz explains how he turned around things and became a decent person.

 

Paused the movie. I’m 54 minutes, 57 seconds in. And I’m pausing this because there’s no real conflict in the film. If you had to name a conflict right now, it would be that shitty breakdancing kid and his little brother are in a bad situation, with big brother being the bad influence and a shitty home to boot. But that’s tangential to Honey. She’s a nice person but has no real stake in that story. So what’s the conflict? From the beginning, I thought Katrina would play a larger role in the story, but she hasn’t shown up since that first scene. I thought Michael would end up dialing up the sleaze (and I think he still will) but we have 39 minutes to go and he hasn’t done that yet. So right now, for Honey, this is a story of a girl who is getting everything she dreamed of in an incredibly compressed span of time. That is NOT good storytelling. If you want to tell a story, make sure you include some conflict, particularly for your main protagonist. And maybe give that person a flaw or two to make them relatable. Okay, unpausing.

 

Chaz and Honey make out in the barbershop at the end of the heartfelt conversation scene.

 

We get a lousy transition. Oh, and now we see Honey with a pug dog. I don’t think we’ve seen this dog before. So that’s. . . . weird. She sees a property for sale and writes down the address. She puts down half of a down payment. She envisions opening a dance school for the neighborhood.

 

Michael makes Honey cancel her plans to go to Atlantic City so that she can attend a meeting. I’m betting this is the sequence in which she realizes she’s leaving her neighborhood behind and that she doesn’t want that. Michael tells her it’ll be career suicide if she doesn’t go to the party because everyone will be there. So of course she gets dolled up and goes. And now we’re at a party with a lot of personalities that I don’t know.

 

Honey goes upstairs to make a call. Michael follows her up. Yeah, here comes sleazeball Michael. Fun times. Honey fights him off, Michael then gets upset, claiming she was leading him on. She leaves. Nothing really happens. And now we’re at the music video shoot. Honey is choreographing. Ginuwine is really into it. Honey’s heart ain’t in it though.

 

Michael shows up. As soon as it starts, he cuts and says the kid thing is horrible. Ah, and here comes Katrina. And Honey tries to get him to fire the kids himself, but of course he won’t do that because he’s king douche, and then she tells them it’s off and they’re like “Nothing good will ever happen to us” and she feels bad, so shitty breakdancing kid can go back to being a hood. So he does. Of course.

 

Honey has been blacklisted from dancing in videos because Michael has been talking against her. Honey is sad, not for herself but because she can’t get the money for the dance studio. Back to the hoods. We see shitty breakdancing kid acting as the dealer. Undercover cop grabs him and his crew runs. And we hear sad music play.

 

Honey now meets with her parents and her mother has plans for her to actually go and experience stuff, but Honey, being the selfless pure good character of goodness, wants to stay in the neighborhood. Oh, and Gina hates her now because her photo was in the paper of being at a party.

 

“It was everything I ever wanted, but when I got it it felt like nothing. Less than nothing. And when I lost it it was worse.” Wow. Honey is fucked up.

 

And with that, Gina and Honey are all better again. Conflict resolved. Again. Jeez.

 

Honey gets a bright idea — raise the money! Put on a benefit performance for the kids.

 

Chaz has the hookup on an old church. Maybe we’ll see a hokey group of Christians eating steak and cake and remodeling it.

 

Benefit preparation montage! The venue is conveniently ready at the end of a song. Then Honey goes to meet shitty breakdancing kid in the correctional facility. He acts shitty to her. Because he’s shitty not just at dancing, but at being a person.

 

Now we’re at Missy Elliott’s shoot and Missy ain’t havin’ it. She doesn’t want Katrina. She wants Honey. Michael is in a tough spot. So he offers to give Honey the money for the dance studio. Honey is standing up for her principles though.

 

Shitty breakdancing kid shows up despite his shit talk. Then he talks smack. People ooh and ahh over dance moves that are . . . uh. . . not at all special.

 

Benefit time! Everyone is showing up! Honey checks on every senior citizen to make sure they can see the show. Gina brings along the banker that Honey has been meeting with. Hey, guess what? THe banker works with patrons of non profits, and has invited them to the benefit.

 

Honey’s dad brings mom over to see the benefit. Honey’s mom is like a really watered down John Lithgow in Footloose. Apparently, mom didn’t know about the benefit beforehand. Weird.

 

Honey gives an emotional, dumb speech before the benefit performance. And she does it sincerely and purely because she’s a freakin’ faultless character.

 

Then we get a combination of ballet and breakdancing. Big dance sequence follows. Some good dancers in this, though the group choreography still seems pretty mundane to me. But the individual performances are good.

 

Oh hey, shitty mom is in the audience, and she’s happy to see her boys dancing. Must be her turning point.

 

Shitty breakdancing kid is still shitty. And then we get TAP DANCING!

 

Also, I never noticed the sequence that they worked on earlier incorporated in the dance.

 

Anyway, it’s a big hit, so that means the mean developer can’t bulldoze down the ski lodge. Or whatever the fuck was supposed to happen.

 

Kinda impressive that Honey herself doesn’t participate in the dance at all. Sort of a bold move, I guess. Or you could argue that by having Honey not participate it’s right in line with the fact that she never had a whole lot of conflict going on.

 

I think Missy Elliott just showed up. She then gives her driver an earful for making her late. Then we get credits. And now some credits sequenced.

 

Now we see Missy introducing Honey to the group Blaque. And we see Honey choreograph, like, three moves and then it’s the music video. Kinda sad to see this, actually, as Blaque was from Atlanta, Georgia and by this time the group had been pretty much off the charts for a couple of years, and in 2012 Natina Reed, the rapper of the group, was struck by a car and killed. Obviously all of that has nothing to do with this movie but it did make me sad to see this at the end.

 

Either Eric or Iyaz is reading this and they think Jonathan is awesome and that Comcast is worse than a shitty breakdancing kid.

 

PWP 160: Iyaz’s ‘Honey’ notes

This episode of “Podcast Without Pretense” will be available at GFQNetwork.com

  • Universal pictures
  • We start with some hip-hop music. Flying around NYC (Manhattan)
  • We’re at a club
    • Jessica Alba is a bartender
    • Like many movies, characters can hear each other in a club without anyone yelling
    • JA is dancing behind the bar
    • i’m already bored. 2:25 in
    • JA goes to the dance floor after her shift ended at 11.
    • Rival! Katrina. Does this happen in clubs? Do you bring a dance crew with you? Acc’g to some dance movies, yes.
    • JA dances with two girls. People are not looking at Katrina and this makes K mad.
    • Katrina is at least 40. JA does a dance move on the club floor. I’m surprised the floor isn’t covered in spilled drinks
    • Katrina bumps in JA as she walks. Katrina makes mention she is paid to dance. JA’s friend gets mad and pulls K’s hair
      • you can’t be wilding out in there. (is this how people talk?)
    • outside the club, break dancing and beat boxing. JA and Gina walk up to them. two kids are also there b/c in this world Benny is up at 11 behind a club in manhattan.
    • JA shows the kids behind the club mad crazy props, yo.
    • “Your flavor’s hot.” says JA. JA teaches hip hop at the “centa” b/c she has an accent.
    • the kids are told to scurry by security
  • Next day – at E 154 street.
    • 8:04, i check the time again. Seriously. WTF. WHy does this movie suck so hard already?
    • time for dance class. everyone is already in step. *notification popped up: 8:51
    • she’s a caring teacher.
    • OH NO. those break dancing kids are here! they are all going to dance together.
      • breaking down the dance is just calling out numbers and showing the moves.
      • the BDK says he’s schooling JA (who i don’t think has an official name yet — I think a guy called her “Honey.”)
    • Still at the center
      • the center boss says JA should do ballet to make money
      • Honey must be her actual name b/c they capitalize the H in the captions.
      • her mom is the center boss.
  • Dance auditions, i guess
    • “Honey Daniels” is her actual name. The open auditions are over, Honey gets bounced.
  • OVer to the music shop. B/c that was a thing. She works at Crazy Louie’s.
    • a video of honey dancing at the club is playin on all kinds of tvs at michael ellis productions . SCAN LINE CITY.
  • To the club — Ellis asks Honey to dance for him
    • Honey rejects the guy b/c she thinks Ellis is a scammer
    • now Ellis gives the card to explain who he is AFTER Honey’s friend Gina explained he’s probably the real deal.
  • Back to Crazie Louie’s
    • Honey calls Ellis. She leaves a message.
  • Back to the center. they dancing hard. Mekai Pfiefer hits on Alba? Legit wants to know moves. I don’t know. I don’t care.
    • JA is now mopping up.
  • NOw on W156th. THe little kid walked accross town? Maybe I saw the wrong street number earlier.
    • little kid is told to leave by his older brother (?) A bunch of kids head to a convertable to procure drugs i assume
  • Meanwhile at the Hall of Honey…
    • Ellis called back
  • Over to Silvercup studios
    • it’s a whirlwind for Honey. she’s sent ot make up. they’ve straightened out her hair and oiled her up. it’s a good luck. She watches for a little and picks up the moves
    • Ellis doesn’t like the dance moves — they look too choreographed he says. Ellis wants Honey to work with the girls. The choreographer doesn’t like her.
    • Ellis is going to try something. Choreographer doesn’t like it. Ellis wants Honey to dance like she’s at a club. She grabs a guy and dances with him. Eliis says to follow Honey’s lead.
    • 24:12 — bored. 2nd screen time. 
    • I hate Alba’s accent. (it also seems inconsistent)
  • Notes will diminish now
    • alba received a check for $9.4k. That’s a good amount
    • she’s headed to a charity thing with Ellis.
    • my only solace is that in 20 minutes, i’m working out. yaaay. 
    • To Papi Chulo’s where Ellis and Alba were not on a date, but they are, right?
      • Genuine (sp) recognizes Honey from her first video. Honey is the choreographer for Genuine — Ellis did not talk to Alba about this b/c she is so plainly shocked.
  • Okay — so does Alba only have accent when she is outside?
  • to the barbershop — mikai phfiefer (no idea how to spell that) is a barber
    • “we peoples” (bc Honey isn’t the kid’s mom). DO PEOPLE TALK LIKE THIS? DID THEY?
    • the barber asks Honey out. Little kid is pimping Honey out, I think.
    • so much slang in this movie. Chaz is MP’s name. good, b/c i can spell that.
  • I know they are showing locations so we know we’ve moved from one place to another, but it happens so frequently that it seems like a commercial break.
  • To the little kid’s home.
    • his mom is mean, it’s loud at home.
  • W156th deli, drugs again. Honey watches.
  • Choreography time — seems slow AF
    • honey steals some moves from double dutch. she comes up with new moves for the shoot. now basketball inspired.
  • Alba is woken up by Gina
    • when Alba is woken up, she has no accent.
    • Alba offers a Dolce dress, but Gina is annoyed b/c it is a left over from a shoot
    • Gina is giving Alba shit for not wanting to go out for Gina’s birthday dress.
  • Little kid meets Alba outside of her place. TIme to find benny – benny got busted up by mom’s guy
    • The search is on
    • Benny is found eating at a resturant. Alba has no accent when she says “If you don’t want to kick it..”
  • Another shoot with Tweet (?)
    • this is the music video portion
    • Benny is bummed — says the world sucks and then we die (mostly)
  • 47:59 in. Time to workout. Now seeing 46:04 remain and I don’t know if i’ll bother to finish this
  • back to the movie 40 minutes later
  • JA pitches a video concept to Ellis
    • “their flavor is hot” ELLIS IS TURNED ON BY THIS. Okay, no.
    • open calls for Ginuwine’s video.
    • Honey sees the drug dealer — she looks at him and leads him to a straight and narrow path. angels sing and we move on.
      • Nah, the dealer threatens Honey. B.B is the thug. Chaz comes to save Honey
      • they offer each other job opportunities. that was nice of them.
    • Chaz warns that BB is dangerous. This love story between Chaz and BB is great. I mean Chaz and Honey. Honey, goes up the stairs and trips. She’s paralyzed and she can never dance again.
  • The center is closed due to overall shittiness. Pipe burst. You can’t teach dance anywhere else.
  • JA talks to Chaz. Her accent is back. Mildly southern. They are on a date. To the barbershop!
    • Chaz tells the story of how he found Christ. I mean the barbershop.  A dead guy gave it to him.
    • Chaz makes a move. The barber chair is turned on by this.
  • Honey comes upon commercial property for sale. The phone number is obviously a fake. And it’s got a 718 area code. Queens?
    • Honey is going to open her own barbershop. I’m calling it.
    • $170k. She shows up to the bank and tries to buy it. Do banks work like this? Give half now and “give me 30 days to come up with the rest?” does she know this banker? are they friends? I need an adult to explain this to me.
  • Dance auditions – Honey’s kids are dancing for Ellis.
  • Back to Honey’s place
    • Honey has to go to a “wack meeting” instead of going to Atlantic City.
    • “You wild out.” WAS THIS EVER LANGUAGE? SLANG? I DON’T KNOW.
    • WHAT’S WITH THE THREADS? she says to Ellis.
    • Honey is concerned that she cancelled on Gina’s birthday party to go to a party (she thought it was a meeting)
    • 34 minutes left.
    • Honey has no idea that Ellis is into her. She is dense. Now he’s making his move. She says stop and slaps him. *to be fair, his move was grope-y
      • “bitch, how you gon’ play me like this?”
      • Ellis thinks Honey owes him something. he’s so mad he hits the pool balls on the pool table.
      • Honey is very nice by saying “you’re drunk” and walks away. she says “i’m gonna pretend none of this ever happened.”
  • Dance time. ANother fucking video
    • Ellis drives in. Kids dance for a second, Ellis calls for a cut. He says it’s not working. He says he wants it to be more sexy. He whistles to the car.
      • KATRINA IS HERE! THEY PECK HELLO.
      • “I want you to just listen and move.” — Ellis to Katrina (same as he said to Honey)
      • did Honey not get phone numbers from other artists? she can get a job elsewhere, right?
      • Honey has to fire the kids. Benny blames Honey and is a debbie downer. Fuck you, benny.
      • Katrina gyrates. 
  • To the subway… i don’t think i’ve ever seen a subway car like the one in this movie padded seats. Benny is asked to steal a kid’s shoes.
    • the lights go out on the subway, Benny is running with shoes up the stairs.
  • dance audition — JA has forgotten how to dance. she looks bored. her name is crossed out from the legal pad. Honey is killed.
  • Honey and Chaz at the park.
    • Chaz builds up Honey. Honey is bummed that she doesn’t have that money.
  • Back to the streets
    • a kid is wearing the shoes Benny boosted.
    • Benny is selling drugs to some guy. BUSTED! it’s the man! music intensifies and Benny is arrested. 
      • Somewhere Katrina is gyrating. 
  • at the bank — Honey explains she needs more time. the banker says, it’s off the market for 2 weeks
  • She goes to her parents house
    • her mom essentially says that even if they had money, they wouldn’t give it to her
    • mom says “you’re 22 years old, you don’t know what you want.”
      • mom is right.
  • Honey heads home and sees a piece of paper taped to her door “Hope you had a good MEETING” on the back is a picture of honey in the newspaper being kissed by Ellis. Honey heads to Gina’s to talk.
    • Honey apologizes to Gina. Gina breaks a bottle and attacks Honey. Honey rips out Gina’s throat with her bare teeth.
    • Gina thinks that she would go with Honey as she moved up. But then she realized, that’s not happening
    • hug. all is good
  • Chaz and Honey walking. She’s trying to figure out how to make the money. she realizes this is a dance movie, so she should have a fundraiser. Chaz has an idea for a venue. An empty church is Honey’s option. Glad that Chaz just so happened to have this problem solved in under 3 minutes.
    • Somewhere Katrina is gyrating.
  • To the church
    • explaisn to the kids what’s going on. they clean up the place – MONTAGE TIME! putting up flyers. Honey hugs everybody and gets to put flyers everywhere else. People dance. Honey gets a check from the Bronx business something
    • Dad Daniels is helping.
    • the banker is given a flyer.
  • to the jail!
    • benny walks in to see Honey. Honey was arrested for killing Gina earlier.
    • Benny is an idiot. but he’s a kid, kids are dumb.
  • Ellis & Missy Elliot
    • Missy is upset about Katrina. Katrina is NOT gyrating right now.
    • Missy wants Honey
    • And Katrina gyrates for Missy. It didn’t work for her. 
    • Elliot says for K to call MC hammer b/c K stole his stuff. Missy wants Honey, dammit.
  • Ellis finds Alba walking. How? New York is very small.
    • Ellis begs Honey to work for him again.
    • she turns Ellis down at first. Ellis says he’ll pay. she says she doesn’t want his money.
    • Ellis says, if you work for me, i’ll buy your dance studio for you.
      • FUCK. “when i met you, you were 10 feet tall, when i look at you, you’re this [fingers together closely] big”
      • she turns him down again
    • Benny broke out of jail? he’s at the church.
    • dance practice again
  • Does anyone know how this dance benefit works? If they dance poorly, do they get less money? Is it watch the thing and then pay?
    • Banker & Gina walk in.. Banker BROUGHT IN RICH PEOPLE WITH HER. THIS IS VERY FUCKING CONVENIENT. NEW YORK IS SO SMALL.
    • Mom daniels continues to be zzzz-worthy. Dad daniels refues to tell her where they are going
      • plot twist, they have a bull dozer to destroy Honey’s potential place
    • Okay — so it’s time for the benefit. Honey tell the audience “dancing good. kids good. gimme money please.” she eyefucks her mom for second.
    • Chaz and Honey’s relationship has moved forward.
    • Music starts and my dog is confused out of her sleep.
    • dance time
      • the song says shit like “i believe i can” “my dreams are real” “i believe i’ll dance” i believe i’ll gro real soon.
      • “your goals are just a thing in your soul.”
      • subtlety is not Honey’s thing
      • they are still dancing. this song continues. NEW SONG!
      • Honey might want to go into party planning b/c this benefit is organized relatively well. lighting, sound machines, chair rentals. costumes with airbrushed names. Matching costumes.
      • OLD SONG BACK
      • Benny’s mean mom is enjoying the show.
      • show’s over. i hope.
    • audience claps. crackhead mom is cured. honey hugs chaz. preformers chant for honey. she comes on stage. well, she shows up
    • the banker is talked to by a person… honey catches Banker’s eye — banker gives her a thumbs up like this is all solved? It’s tweet
    • Missy Elliot shows up to the benefit late.
  • epilogue. FUCK
    • honey daniels dance something or other.
    • missy elliot shows up.
    • honey teaches a new dance for blaque
      • they have a music video again and honey daniels is credited as choreographer (like all choreographers are).
      • the last song says “i’m good without you.” i feel the same way about the movie. 

Kindergarten Cop 2 – Iyaz’s notes (unedited)

Podcast available at PodcastWithoutPretense.com
Universal Logo –> ah a comcast product
  • We open at a motel
    • a blonde woman is unpacking and dolph lungren appears
    • Dolph makes his move on blondie – her name is Katja
    • Alexander barges in and slaps Katja. Apparently K betrayed A
    • A’s attention turns to D (Zogu is A’s last name). D says the safe word “Pineapple.” D explains it’s the code word for the raid order THEN the cops show up with bill bellamy. shouldn’ they have shoed up BEFORE then? like right after D said “pineapple?”
    • Zogu promises revenge. K slaps D upon finding out he’s FBI
    • D then talks to Bill. They are going for a drink
  • Time for the opening credits with fun music.
    • Dolph is working out. Unlike the original KG, the names don’t have any backwards letters (i don’t think).
    • DOLPH LUNGREN IS AN EP OF THIS.
    • 4 people took credit for the screenplay. Ought to be good then, right? More people = more better story, right? Right?
  • D’s name is “Reed” — to the FBI office
    • Bill and Reed talk about Reed’s love life
    • Reed did not get his twix from the vending machine. Bill says it’s karma
    • Reed pulls a gun on the vending machine until a higher ranking person appears.
    • Interrogation room
      • a grey poupon reference… is made about 30 years after it would be relevant.
      • A low level guy is being asked about his connection to Zogu.
      • Was going to sell to Zogu, but sold to Popov instead. He claims he was selling the Witness Protection DB.
      • the office goes on lockdown. lights out, alarms on. hostiles on the perimeter.
      • Reed grabs the thief b/c he believes this lights out thing has to do with him.
      • Shoot out at the FBI office. The hostiles are shooting a great deal and missing a lot. The good guys also miss a bit before hitting the hostiles.
      • Reed uses the vending machine as a shield as Bill, the thief and he go down a hall. I expect Reed to get his twix.
      • Wilhelm scream as people get hit by the vending machine. Reed gets his twix.
    • Later that day. Lights are on – Reed and Bill are talking to the higher up
      • confirmed: WP DB is compromised.
      • higher up stops Reed before he leaves and yells in his face. “GET ME THAT DRIVE” okay
  • Zogu’s residence. He’s talking with his lawyers as women swim in a pool
  • Back to the FBI, higher up is in the bathroom. gets calls from Reed and Bill. (Jason is the thief). Reed wants another chance at Jason.
  • SEATAC federal penn
    • Jason and Reed in an interrogation room. Jason’s brother Kevin had the drive and it’s hidden. Kevin is also dead.
    • “the kids know” — that’s what Zogu said?
  • Reed and Bill (who still has no name 17 minutes in) driving
    • Reed wants to question the kids
  • Bill interrogates children
    • i think this is supposed to be funny. the kids are full of useless information.
    • one kid says the flash drive is in the emergency kit. and they check: she confused it with a flashlight.
  • Reed pitches recon and he goes undercover w/o the school’s permission. he says it’s okay since he saw it in a movie once. (okay that didn’t happen).
  • Reed applies for the job
    • his resume is full of accolades and a letter of rec from the mayor
    • he’s being told we need a sensitive approach since the last teacher was killed.
    • reed is eye-fucking the love interest (Ms. Halstrom, the other KG teacher)
    • reed gets the job since the movie wouldn’t go forward w/o it.
  • Bill explains to Reed to wear an earpiece so Bill can help him if the children are too much. reed says “i got it”
  • School time
    • here’s hoping one kid recognizes Reed from Rocky IV or Expendibles.
    • slow-mo shots of the kids walking to class
    • In case we forgot, a graphic appears saying “Day One”
    • the principal is all new-age-y. respect/ reed is a citizen of earth just like you… feel-y stuff
    • Reed — today is technology day. we’re going to learn about computers — he shows a flash drive.
      • these kids are clearly older than KG age and apparently stupider than regular kids.
      • I had a 5 year old kid and that kid was able to focus on a particular thing.
      • okay — so that thing the kids said about the guinea pigs is important. some kind of pneumonic device. 
      • reading time — as he reads the story, he finds the story to be full of shit.
        • he says sharing is overrated. “never apologize for abilities that make you better than other people!” agreed, Reed. 
      • Recess: Reed finds flash drives in the copy room and a tazer. Zack Reed is is full name. Hal Pascal is the tech teacher and he’s there talking to Reed. He’s trying to make a friend?
        • Hal forces Reed to give him his number
      • Lunch time.
        • a kid asks him to heat up her tofu. he can’t do it in the plastic container.
        • Let me guess, Reed has a PBJ and a kid will freak out…
          • PBJ confirmed
          • Freak out confirmed: Cowboy freaks out, kids freak out. They all start running while screaming.
          • Cowboy is highly allergic it turns out.
          • ANd then the tofu explodes open the microwave door.
  • Back to Zogu’s place with lounging women at the pool.
    • Zogu wants the drive. He’s also preparing fish.
  • Back to school
    • it’s nap time.
    • reed goes through the flash drives and opens all the files instead of looking at a file explorer
    • Reed offers the kids cookies. They ask adult-like questions and then they eat.
      • Sugar high happens all at once. “I want candy” plays as the kids go wild. Reed cannot control them.
      • he yells “QUIET!” to no effect.
      • one kid pees in to a trash can. another kid pours paint on another. Let’s assume those cookies were laced with cocaine.
      • Reed comes to Halstrom’s class with a kid who peed on him. Halstrom takes the kid away.
      • Halstrom gets the kids to calm down by clapping a bit. Then they go to meditation time.
        • Reed is very happy. He questions halstrom about Kevin. She calls the kids “these little brats” although Im pretty sure the kids could hear her since she’s like 5 feet from them.
        • Reed flirts with his daughter.. I mean daughter-aged colleague. 
    • End of day one. 41:45. Getting a bit bored. 
  • Back to Reed’s place where Bill is waiting. 42 minutes in and Bill gets a name thanks to the captions. His name is SANDERS.
    • they’re having beers
    • Reed is threatened by Zogu’s goons. He beats up both.
    • Reed tries to get the kids to behave using an air horn. he is disciplened
    • Reed talks to Bill and wants an earpiece so he can have help. (they fought b/c Reed doesn’t ask for help)
    • Bill helps Reed deal with new parenting/new ways to talk to children. what a load of shit.
    • 51:45 — GOING TO A SECOND SCREEN. 
  • Zogu visits some lady. Claims he’s FBI. She gets all racist and says “you don’t sound like FBI.” An immigrant can’t join the FBI? Fucker.
  • Back to school.
    • Reed finds a lot of flash drives. He’s being followed by BUttercup, the therapy pig.
  • Back to Zogu and the lady.
    • he asks about Jason and finds out about Kevin (the brother)
    • the lady explains Jason is the con man, Kevin is the genius.
    • Must be the mom.
  • School: Reed gets caught in Holstrom’s office by Holstrom. Reed asks Holstrom out and she says yes. He asks about the same night. And she says she hasn’t had plans outside the school in months. Welcome to KC2 — where we’ll see full frontal nudity b/c Reed is scoring later.
    • Hal says he called dibs on Olivia Holstrom. Reed explains “I’m taking her out tonight.” The therapy pig seems to annoy my dog.
    • Reed sees a dad being rough with his kid (Molly).
    • Zogu sees Reed at the school.
  • Back to the office
    • Find out Molly’s dad was drunk.
    • Bill wants to talk about the date and Bill explains Reed can’t sleep with her.
  • Zack already has Holstrom at his shack by the water
    • Holstrom cleans up nicely.
    • She says Zack’s muscles scream “one night stand”
    • Reed plays an album on his turntable. yes, really.
    • Holstrom is turning into putty.
    • 1:02 — check the time. Still 37 minutes left? HOW?
    • holstrom laments that kids forget their KG teachers. BULLSHIT. I still remember Miss Conte. She was a nice lady. 
    • two of Zogu’s goons (the ones who Reed beat up) are watching Reed
    • Reed asks about if Kevin left anything with Olivia and she’s getting a bit weirded out.
    • Reed offers a Twix to Olivia — it’s his one vice. She eats his bar. He says “You want me to show you how I stay in shape?”
      • nope. it’s not sex. it’s line dancing. LINE DANCING.
        • He gets Olivia to ride a mechanical bull. And the video actually goes slo mo for a bit. down goes olivia. She’s broken her neck. this movie has taken a terrible twist. (okay, she didn’t break her neck).
        • beers
        • Zogu shows up and Reed is freaked a little. He pulls Olivia out of the bar
          • Reed explains that Zogu is the head of the Albanian crime syndicate.
          • Olivia is turned on that Reed protected her. And now she’s eye-fucking him with a lip bite, no less. KC2 — with nudity. Coming soon. 
          • Reed asks to continue later
  • Back to the FBI — > 1:10 – SANDERS officially gets a name by the higher up (who also has no name).
  • Now school
    • Hal is in the principal’s office. Says Reed needs to be fired b/c Hal found a taser in Reed’s office. The principal accidentally shoots the taser into hal’s nuts. Reed turns off the gun after dropping it. Hal admits he shit himself a little bit.
  • SANDERS is spying on Zogu. Then gets distracted by the women.
  • Nature walk time –> NO it’s Capture the flag time.
    • Olivia has her class
    • bad ass music plays for Reed’s class
    • Olviia’s got a naughty school girl thing going.
    • friendly bet: loser pays for dinner.
      • Sophie has a fake flag, while some other kid really has the flag.
      • Molly is crying.
        • finding out more about Molly’s drunk dad, Mr. Edwards.
          • Edwards lost his job. Reed has a talk with Edwards and tries to set him right. Olivia is turned on by this. 
  • bachelor auction
    • Reed is up. bidding starts at $100 ends at.. $2,000. It’s Olviia fanning cash. OLIVIA IS TURNED ON BY THIS.
  •  another shot of Meeja the guiena pig –> is the drive in the cage?
    • Here’s the poem about guiena pigs again. This has to be important. 1:20 in. Can we get to it already.
  • Agent Sanders gets tricked and knocked out by a gang member
    • surveillance van stolen.
    • Miss Sinclaire is the principal. Reed explains the school needs ot be locked down b/c they are in danger.
    • Hal has the kids at a sculpture garden. He’s carrying an odd canister.
    • Sanders knows the name Meeja. Olivia is in it?
      • Kevin called Jason that.
      • Reed figures out the poem means something.
    • the odd canister is a time capsule. Zogu shows up now. he claps and now Zogu takes the FBI weapons.
    • Zogu is headed to the sculpture gardens. Zogu orders to take the girl.
      • Zogu says it’s Reed’s MO to get romantically invovled on assignment. Olivia is turned on by this.
    • Bill is to be killed.
    • the principal saves Sanders by beating the henchman with a baseball bat.
  • The trojan horse method will surely play out again. 
  • the time capsule is handed over. there’s a multitool, a blue plasic thing and a flash drive. confirmed: it’s the database.
    • adults walk over to fish statues
    • Reed is about to be shot. He stops Zogu and asks for a last meal. Twix. (3rd mention)
    • The kids are in the fish with spears.
      • they attack the bad guys. Reed does most o fthe damage. It’s a good thing Zogu doesn’t punch children.
      • Hal beats the hell out of a guy
      • Reed chases Zogu
        • and gets the drop on him. fist fight in water. Zogu is defeated relatively easily in hand to hand combat.
        • Reed wins and says “Class dismissed”
          • Sanders mocks Reed for that quip and backup arrests Zogu
    • the parents show up and we find out Molly’s drunk dad owns a suit (or got a job)
    • the higher up gets a name at 1:33! by the captions! HIS NAME IS “BOSS”
    • Boss tells Reed to go back to work.
  • back to school
    • Olivia is alone. OLIVIA IS TURNED ON BY THIS.
    • Reed looks at some art work by the children.
    • Olivia walks and sees Reed. She calls him Agen Reed. OLIVIA IS TURNED ON BY THIS.
    • she runs and kisses him.
    • the prinicpal shows up with the kids. she says that’s strike 3. so Reed is fired? okay…
    • all the kids hug reed and olivia
    • the end.
      • credits. Meeja and Buttercup get credits w/ images (Mikey and percy)
      • Zogu? Nope.