PWP 166: Iyaz’s ‘Hannah Montana’ notes

We present to you the raw and unedited version of Iyaz’s notes as he watched “Hannah Montana: The Movie.”

  • The movie is having trouble loading: this is a good sign.
  • Fix a network switch and it’s on. Let’s do this
  • We open at an areana parking lot and then we get Billy Ray Cyrus staring disappprovingly
    • girls are flocking to the arena and box office
    • Miley Stewart wants to get in  — she’s on the list. Her friend tells her she’s the only pop star who can’t get into her own concert.
    • So Miley steals a golf cart to break into the venue while being chased by an inept security guard
    • Miley starts her process into becoming Hannah
    • Iyaz starts his process of deciding what to drink
    • Hannah sings a song and this is Eric’s fault.
      • the song tells her story of having a double life
  • now we’re at a music video shoot instead
    • a sneaky person is in Hannah’s cabana thing — his name is Oswald Granger. He’s actually a Brit tabloid guy
    • Oswald leaves his Nikon Coolpix camera behind obviously recording
    • Vita (Vanessa Williams) is her agent/protector
    • Oswald sneaks back in and gets his camera back after they leave. He finds out Hannah has a secret.
  • To school where Miley is hit by a volleyball. She’s going to replace Beyonce at a NY event. She has to ditch her friend’s birthday party — i wonder if Hannah will get a big head and forget about her friend, but learn the value of friendship by the end of the movie.
    • HM is on a shopping trip (Lilly must be her friend’s name. Now HM is fighting Tyra Banks over shoes. Banks obtains both shoes, but HM jumps her. Oswald is talking pictures during this event. We see HM missing calls from her dad and Lilly on an LG phone
    • HM leaves the shopping trip to go to Lilly’s party. Apparently the party is at a beach-front amusement park (it’s Lilly’s sweet 16)
    • Checked email: 14:08 in
    • HM shows up to Lilly’s birthday and steals all of Lilly’s thunder. Lilly is sad that her whole party is paying attention to HM and not her. The group carries HM to a stage chanting “Sing.” Then they chant “Crazy” (apparently one of her songs.) She obliges and starts singing. The band knows the song, too (the band was on the stage before HM got there — so that’s a happy coincidence)
    • Lilly skulks away, but HM shouts “Lilly, we have cake”
    • Cake shennagins: the cake blew up
  • after the party
    • Tyra vs. HM is on the cover of USA today and a magazine
    • HM’s dad says she’s not going to NY b/c they have to go to Grandma Ruby’s something or other (birthday)
    • HM says she’s going to NY
    • BRC gives up quickly, Vita will set up a jet
    • We’re in the jet, BRC is making some passive aggressive comments about Vita
    • the plane didn’t go to NYC — it went to … Tennessee. BRC just fucked his own daughter.
  • Tennessee
    • BRC is saying that HM should be done and he’s taking HM away from Miley. She demands he stops the truck, grabs her gear and starts walking away.
    • Miley says “Hannah means everything to me.”
    • BRC wants Miley to take a break from HM for two weeks. HOw exactly does this work? Why does she really need permission to be HM? Does BRC own the IP?
    • Miley strips off her Hannah gear and chills with her horse, bluejeans. She tries to ride bareback, but it didn’t exactly work. Then a cowboy shows up to wrangle blue jeans. 
    • Cowboy is not played by Tony Danza — it’s Havoc from X-Men, i think. Travis Brody is the cowboy’s name.
    • Apparently he hung Miley headfirst down a well. He explained he had a crush on her, but that’s gone. Tennesse is a fucked up place.
    • Travis is talking shit about California — and I’m okay with that since the Miley character lives in SoCal.
    • Travis brings Miley to her grandmother’s house and now it’s more singing. A big group sits together in the living room singing — Country music. My favorite and this is Eric’s fault
    • Miley kills the fun b/c she’s pissed at Dad.
    • Grandma missed Miley and Miley got Grandma an Elvis plate for her birthday
    • BRC is a really, really shitty dad. He’s very mean to Miley — generally bosses her around menacingly
    • Grandma tries to set up BRC with Melora Hardin (aka that lady from “The Office” or  “Hey, didn’t she play Monk’s wife on the hit TV show starring Tony Shaloub, Monk?”)
    • BRC comically falls, breaks all kinds of things. He saves the Elvis plate for a minute. Raises the plate up in triumph — but it smashes on a big light fixture.
    • Miley looks at a picture of Brooke Shields and some girl with a bunny. The picture comes to life — it’s one of those Harry Potter pictures or an iPhone living photo
    • Grandma makes Miley feel bad b/c everyone misses their Miley — Jesus, just let her be herself, assholes.
  • The next day — still in TN
    • horse back riding and … a rooster crows. Then Travis screams to wake up Miley. She wakes up and says “Commence Operation Save Hannah Montana.”
    • Miley comes down dressed like a farm girl in overalls and says she’s going to get some eggs.
    • Comically (or in an attempt to be comical), Miley has trouble getting eggs. Then she starts singing and dancing — another fucking song. AND THIS IS ERIC’S FAULT.
    • Grandma and BRC didn’t wait for Miley and made breakfast (BRC is “Robby Ray”)
    • the foreman is MELORA HARDIN (and yes, I was typing that before it happened). (her character is “Lorelei”)
  • Now we’re at a zoo of some kind
    • an aligator bites a guide and it’s FUNNY? terrifying, i’d think. That kid is now dead.
  • Now we’re out of the zoo. Okay…
    • Grandma explains to Miley that developers want to develop the land witha  mall. THose evil bastartds — trying to … build… things…  (Crowley meadows mall)
    • Grandma is giving Miley shit b/c she’s HM at home — what a bitch
    • You can’t be happy for Miley? You have to give her this much shit b/c she doesn’t appreciate Tennessee? WHO THE FUCK WOULD DO THAT?
    • Miley is working at a farmer’s market and giving away samples of watermellons
    • Miley spots Oswald at the market — she comically switches two salsas that Oswald was trying — hot for mild and now …
    • then Miley opens up a truck full of wallnuts, which Oswald slips on and then falls into Crowley’s model of his future development
    • There is a mean spirit to this movie
    • Oswald is sent to find the Montanas and is nearly killed by following Grandma’s directions
      • ah – a bit of cleverness — Oswald fell in the mud and his boss is in a mud bath.
    • 42:27 — seriously considering quitting this movie
    • Boss “Ozzy, I want the dirt.” He says “Trust me, I’m all over it” (while covered in mud) — seems like a Strickland joke. Did Jonathan write this?
  • Back at Grandma’s farm Miley is playing guitar in a barn. Travis finds her and compliments her on her voice.
    • He’s not acting super-impressed with her and it’s driving her wild.
    • How many movies am I going to have to watch with anti-city bias?
    • Time for Travis to show Miley a good time — more music, adventures of country things — like rebuilding a chicken coop.
    • Now there’s a benefit to save Crowley Meadows  from the developers
      • BRC is singing about Tennessee bc… THIS FUCKING MOVIE “ROBBY RAY STEWART.”
      • He and Melora embrace
    • and is that Taylor Swift? Yes, so says the captions.
    • Miley tells her dad to bone Melora
    • Travis asks Miley to dance — Miley pulls out a serrated hunting knife and guts Travis right there.
    • Melora and BRC talk outside and we got back to Miley and Travis dancing
      • the Swift song “Crazier” sounds like a wedding song
    • BRC dance-bones Melora Hardin outside
    • Travis gets Miley to sing by dragging her on stage. She obliges b/c that’s what she does. She says she’s going to add “hip hop to this hoedown”
      • more fucking songs. she tries to get the people of Tennessee to do the bartman or the urkel or some other dance.
      • enter Oswald to the benefit THERE IS NEARLY 50 MINUTES LEFT TO THIS? YEAH…
      • “do the hoe down” she says over and over. don’t forget to “stick it.” and “glide.”
    • Grandma yells at the developer and says he doesn’t understand community. Developer is Brian Bostwick (is that right? the mayor from Spin City)
      • Brian says you won’t raise the money for this — even if you had the Beatles
      • Travis says Miley knows HM, which would raise a ton of money. Miley says “I guess I can give her a call”
  • HM in Tennessee — HM meets Miley at her grandmother’s house with Vita
    • Vita doesn’t fit in
    • Lilly was the HM stunt double in case you were wondering if it was Tyra Banks
    • Lilly apologizes about talking to Oswald
    • Melora wants to talk to HM and Miley
    • Melora asks BRC out on a date to the mayor’s shindig
    • HM to meet Travis — Miley in a wig… will that fool Travis? Travis asks if HM thinks Miley will go out with him. Travis says he’ll ask Miley out right now — he starts going to the house. I was really hoping Travis was just going to ask Miley Montana just then.
    • Okay — another moment of actual comedy — Miley trying to play it cool when Travis asked her out. Now Miley Montana is double booked — the mayor’s dinner and Travis. She goes to the mayor’s shindig.
    • Miley is going to try to pull off the Peter Brady and be in two places at once
    • Miley has to sneak to get to the Mayor’s thing – her young fan watches from the outside and surely she’ll put it together. She returns to a lobster dinner and to this day I’ve never taken apart a lobster b/c I find it creepy and strange.
    • Miley shows up at her date with Travis with the lobster bib on
    • Travis gets the check. BRC calls for HM to stay at the mayor’s dinner. The mayor is then attacked by a ferret that crawls up the mayor’s pant leg leading to “comedy.” The flammable dessert starts a mnor fire. BRC puts out the fire with an extinguisher. Two people behind the dessert have their wigs blown off (a guy and a woman)..
    • The young fan sees HM transforming into Miley in a revolving door. The fan then goes to Oswald and sells the story. Travis is also in the revolving door and sees the wig. Travis gets disgusted that Miley has scalped another person.
    • Travis feels like he’s been made a fool of — he quits Miley Montana
    • If only Miley had seen the episode of The Brady Bunch — let’s note that Miley could have had her date with Travis at LUNCH and still gone to the dinner later
    • Melora finds BRC and BRC yells at her
    •  “NOT NOW. FAMILY THINGS.” Melora doesn’t want to deal with someone who has secrets. BRC says he doesn’t have a place for a relationship — Miley starts crying b/c she’s being blamed for BRC’s lack of relationship.
  • 25 minutes to go
    • Miley and BRC sit together while Miley sings another fucking song. The song sounds like a Fleetwood Mac song that I also dislike
      • OMFG. THIS MOVIE WILL NEVER END.
    • The next day, Lilly finds Miley atop of the chicken coop that is freshly painted
      • how much money do they need to raise anyway? It was on a cow sign — couldn’t Miley just donate that money and move this shit along?
    • Grandma gets on HM’s tour bus — and she’s praising Miley for doing a good thing. FUCK YOU, GRANDMA
    • Travis sees the coop and is impressed. Then hears people chanting “Hannah”
    • MORE SINGING.
      • HM says “she can’t do this” and the song stops.
      • THE END. Please? No? FUCK. It keeps going.
      • HM sounds insane as she explains this is home, this is family… then she finally tells people she’s Miley. She pulls off her wig and reveals she was Iron Man this whole time. She then sits down and has a cheeseburger.
      • Now Miley will sing a song — “The Climb” (so says the caption)
        • can’t tell if i actually know this song or if the melody is familiar  — nope. i actually know THIS song.
      • HOW IS THERE 13 MINUTES LEFT?
    • WAIT — there’s a kid playing along to the song and she’s staring at sheet music as she plays the violin. I thought this song was a Miley song, not Hannah Montana. Shouldn’t she NOT have music for this? WHAT KIND OF REALITY IS THIS?
    • THE MOVIE THEN CONTINUED FOREVER. THE SUN BURNED OUT, HUMANITY DIED… BUT THE MOVIE CONTINUED ON.
    • The young fan says “Please be Hannah. We’ll keep your secret.” So everyone in attendance is behind her ruse. They chant “Hannah.” Miley falls for it and then sees Oswald snap a picture — everyone tries to convince Oswald not to send the picture. Oswald’s daughters show up … Oswald has a change of heart and quits his job over the phone
      • Vita gets through to oswald by saying “you’re not going ot destroy their dreams are you? because that’s what Hannah is all about.”
        • HOW DOES THAT WORK? If the girls find out Hannah Montana has another name and wears a wig? What is she all about? WHAT?
        • ** Note: I rewound the endless movie to get the quote
    • Travis runs up and admits he’s not over his crush on Miley. Then Miley changes her clothes into a smart suit and does a number as HM. This has to be the ending right?
      • then their smart suits turn into country clothes
      • BRC finds Melora Hardin —
      • ah, the amount of money they needed to raise was $500,000 — Miley could have probably bought Crowley Medows on her own and make revenue over a long time as a landlord.
    • The camera is pulling away..
    • IT SAYS THE END.
    • Then… bloopers? No — people doin gthe hoedown dance, whichi is mildly amusing. Although Melora Hardin is either funny or has my sense of rhythm.
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